“Judge me, O Lord; for I have walked in my integrity: I have trusted also in the Lord; therefore I shall not slide.”
I have reflected many a time on the Psalms of David throughout my life. Through good, bad, their words maintain their same relevance in any situation. They help to relieve and foster positive feelings.
I have found the greatest source of power through God all my life.
It has been said that nothing can put your life into perspective more than when you are emotionally and spiritually unbalanced.
It’s strange how I could live most of my life having strong beliefs but also having a double life, living in despair with self-loathing. Self-doubt is a tragic way to live and this was my reality.
Living in someone else’s truths is not what god intended for us. We must find our own truths.
I loved art class when I was a child. In grade 2, I remember being in art class and given water paints to play with. The teacher would place a set of primary water paint trays on small round tables where approximately 6 children would sit around small wooden chairs. We were all provided with a large bristol boards and were encouraged to be creative and paint what we wanted to. I found the possibilities were literally endless! The children around me pained outlines and coloured with other paint colours. I felt anxious watching them; I couldn’t wait to get my hands on the paint. Yet when I think back, those kids were in tune with the details of it all. I loved mixing the colours together on scrap pieces of paper. I played by adding water and mixing white and red and sometimes even yellow. I could make ORANGE!!! I could make “PURPLE”, I could make “SKIN COLOUR” I could make any colour I wanted to!
I used my fingers and palms to paint. I tapped on the paper; I would stroke the hard edges with my brush before the paint would dry. I remember longing for someone to think up of a way to make “Oily paints” so that they would stay wet on paper longer.
My fascination with creativity ended abruptly at the age of 12. I was so excited to finally be in Jr. High school. There were many elementary graduates from many different schools that were attending this school and I was ready and excited to meet new friends. A school dance was scheduled and I was really looking forward to going with my friends.
But unfortunately that is where my fun ended. I was sexually assaulted!
Two adolescent males, 16 and 18, were very strong. They came out of nowhere behind some small bushes just outside the side door of the Jr. High School. They dragged and held me alongside the wall against my wishes and did not let me go. I was so scared and I couldn’t make a sound. I still remember the light posts illuminating only some of the walls. There was no clear visible lighting where they held me. I felt alone and ashamed, even though I was being held against my will. The boys were strong and had knives in their hands. I still remember the sudden sharpness of how I lost my breath. I prayed to god to help me get out of my situation.
God answered my prayer. It seemed that as soon as I finished praying, a classmate of mine noticed that I had been missing from the school dance and came outside looking for me. She noticed I was under distress and was being fondled and pushed against the wall. She rushed back into the school and had told everyone to come outside and save me!
The students rushed out of the school and threatened the boys. Soon enough the boys were on the run for good!
I dropped to the ground and started to sob uncontrollably. My classmates slowly lifted me up to my feet and promised to walk me home .As we walked home that evening, I realized that I had many people who cared for me. I didn’t realize it before.
I was just an immigrant child trying to fit in. I realized then that I had already fit in and that people cared about me. Fear and faith saved me that night from being raped. Fear kept me quite and numb, and faith kept me alive and believing.
God has also helped me in so many other ways. I’ve been blessed with three lovely children I can call my own. I call my children my “three jewels” and are truly wonderful gifts I have longed for all my life.
I am a proud and thankful mother. The word mother is a very beautiful word in any language.
Here’s who I am in a nutshell. …
I am “Mother”
I am a survivor
I am a believer
I am taking care of myself from now and trusting that “I AM” has to be enough. I am back to being that little girl who wants unleash my creative intuition to paint water colours on a new canvas.
Do you feel good? Do you feel respected? Do you feel loved?
The truth is all of these feelings are within your control. Everyday make a point to be grateful for what you have. Only allow what you would welcome for yourself.